i don’t get why we need driver’s training. driving is just like mario kart except slower and you can’t throw blue shells at people
please never drive
lifes too short to pretend to hate pop music
yeah so i slept with this dude last night and idk we were chatting a bit during the sexy time and for some reason his birthday came up and i was like “wait 25th of september? DUDE me TOO, wtf thats such a coincidence” and he was like “really? we have the same birthday? are u fuckin with me?” and i just looked down at his penis literally inside my vagina and was like “well technically yeah” and he was like haha nice one and high fived me
dear professor i couldn’t finish my homework because life is pointless
Omfg today at school I was talking to my gay friend and some random kid walked by and called me a fag hag and I didn’t know what to do so I just went up to the kid and hugged him and I was like “it’s okay, once you come out you will discover your true self” and then he hugged me back and started crying and he said “it’s just so hard to feel accepted” and I just
the queer whisperer
gf: babe come over
me (a lawnmower) : no i cant im cutting the grass and you live in the sky
gf: my parents are out
at what point does a joke die because i think we’ve beaten this horse into the ground with an aluminum bat
”’I’m really not a cat person”’
but their feeT LOOK LIKE BEANS
THEIR. FEET. LOOK. LIKE. BEANS.
Kanye West says he’s gonna be the next Nelson Mandela? Nigga your wife is a porn star and your daughter is a compass. Please have several seats.
shout out to my boobs for catching every crumb that has ever fallen
how can you suck dick like that? there’s no vacuum. his face is always gonna have a draft. you can smell his breath on every side of his face. this nigga can’t be near water no more, he’d drown trying wash his face. he ain’t never gonna replenish his thirst. smh i wish him the best.
- me: im so tired, i could collapse into bed and sleep for a year..
- me: gets in bed
- me: how was earth created
- me: who made microwaves
- me: how does the internet even work
- me: i'm hungry
- me: feels bad about something i did 4 years ago
- me: remembers 73 unfinished tasks
- me: too tired to sleep
when someone tickles ur neck